You Know What Else Is a Really Good Business? Teeny Tiny Baby Coffins

Originally Aired: Nov 23 2004

Written past: Lawrence Kaplow
Directed by: Peter O'Fallon

Transcribed by: Taru - brynaea

DISCLAIMER: We don't own "HOUSE." Information technology'southward owned by Fob and NBC/Universal, and produced by Heel and Toe Films and Bad Hat Harry Productions. This transcript is unofficial, and should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES exist copied or distributed, peculiarly for commercial utilise.

Crowd: [Cheering and Shouting]

Player 1: On your right, on your correct.

Player ii: Dorsum, back, dorsum.

Dan'southward Dad: Yeah, Dan!

Crowd: [Continues cheering and shouting]

Histrion 3: Back, dorsum, back, back

Histrion 4: Lookout man the winger!

Crowd: [More than cheering and whistling]

[Zoom in on i player, wearing #29 bailiwick of jersey. Sound becomes muffled, and scene becomes blurred and wavy]

[Cut to inside his head where a neuron fires and then cut back to the field. Player #29 (Dan) gets hit difficult past another player]

Dan: [grunts with the impact]

Motorcoach: [muffled] You ok? Dan, Dan, talk to me. Dan, Dan, go a dr.!

[Cut to credits which are sooo absurd!]

(commercial, blah, I know that nosotros couldn't accept Television without them but…yuck!)

Wilson: Hey!

House: Shut the door. Shut the door!

Wilson: Is Cuddy down the hall counting to 50?

Business firm: She's knows I'yard in hither, the clinic, as she commanded; she just doesn't know I'm alone.

Wilson: Well, you've got a full waiting room, how long do you think yous tin ignore them?

House: I'g off at 4:00.

Wilson: You're doing this to avert v minutes of work?

House: I go out in that location, I get assigned a child with a runny nose. That's xxx seconds looking at the nose; 25 minutes talking to a worried mom who won't leave until she sure it's not meningitis or a tumor.

Wilson: Yeah, concerned parents can be then annoying. Just tell Cuddy y'all've got an urgent case, y'all had to leave early on.

House: That would exist lying.

Wilson: And that would be wrong. Only luckily, the definition of urgent is fungible.

[He goes to leave]

House: Not the definition of case though.

[Wilson stops and looks back at House in shock]

Wilson: You lot accept no cases. You accept NO cases. You've got handpicked doctors, specialists, working for you lot, and they're sitting on their hands?

House: Cameron is answering my mail.

Wilson: Time well spent I'm sure. Foreman and Chase?

House: Research?

[Cutting to the DM offices and you tin can see Cameron on a estimator typing, Foreman is tapping his fingers and Chase has a book of crossword puzzles open.]

Chase: 9 letters, iodine deficiency in children.

Foreman: Cretinism.

Chase: Huh [Fills in the infinite]

[Cut dorsum to Firm at the clinic. He leaves the examination room]

House: So, 4:03 PM. Dr. House checks out. Delight write that down.

Dan's Dad: Dr. House. (from now on he'll merely be called Dad)

Business firm: Sorry, done for the twenty-four hour period. In that location's plenty of docs here to accept care of you lot.

Dad: But we had an appointment.

House: Hah, overnice endeavour, merely this is a walk-in clinic, which means there are no appointments. Information technology means you walk in, sign the nautical chart and a doctor will see you, just not me.

Dad: But your letter says that nosotros would see you.

Firm: Not a big letter writer.

Dad: Here.

[Cut onto the alphabetic character, now in House'south role.}

House: When did my signature go and then girly?

Cameron: I tin can explain.

Business firm: See that "G", see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn't even look like my handwriting. Think I accept something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing "K's" like a junior high school daughter?

Cameron: Information technology'south incommunicable to get to you through normal channels, they have chosen…[interrupted]

House: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next fourth dimension y'all desire to go my attention wearable something fun. Low-rider jeans are hot.

Cameron: sixteen yr onetime male person, sudden onset of double vision and dark terrors, with no apparent cause. The child's been to 2 neurologists…[interrupted]

House: Dark terrors, yeah? Equally in big scary monsters?

Cameron: Yeah.

[Firm gets up and grabs his cane]

Cameron: Where are you going?

House: To encounter the family.

Cameron: You're going to examine a patient?

House: nine times out of 10 at that place'due south no reason to talk to a patient, but night terrors in a 16 twelvemonth sometime is a VERY good reason to talk to this family unit. Good work.

[He exits. Cut to an exam room with Dr. House examining the patient (Dan)]

Business firm: Margins look fine. No lesions, colour is proficient. How long accept you lot been having nighttime terrors?

Dan: 3 weeks.

Dad: He's agape to get to bed, he'southward exhausted, he can barely function.

[House flicks at both of Dan's eyes]

Mom: What does that tell y'all?

Business firm: Nothing, it's but fun watching him blink. [To Dan] Proper noun equally many animals as you tin can that begin with the alphabetic character "B" go.

[Long intermission]

Dan: Baby elephant.

House: Baby elephant is actually a adept answer; "B" is a bear of a letter.

Dad: What does that tell you?

House: Proves 2 things, no neurological harm, and your son is never going to be chief fry melt. In teens at that place are two likely causes of night terrors: postal service traumatic stress, whatever recent shootouts at your high school?

Dan: No.

House: Well, so, Dave…

Cameron: Dan

House:…if there's no trauma the other cause is sexual abuse. So, who's molesting you? Instructor, actress friendly neighbor? I'd enquire if either one of you were involved, only you'd deny it.

Dad: We would never do anything to injure Dan.

Business firm: I say it here, it comes out there. This lack of response is consequent with abuse.

Dan: There'southward no i, ok? I swear. At that place was trauma; I got hit in the head during a lacrosse game.

Business firm: [To Cameron] Did you know that he got hit in the head?

Cameron: They didn't mention it, no.

House: Yep, why carp.

[House leaves, and they all follow]

Dad: No, no, we took him to the ER after the game. He was scanned, they tested him, they said he was fine. No concussion, it'due south gotta be something else.

Firm: You hound me for my opinion so question my diagnosis. Absurd. ER obviously screwed up, child'southward got a concussion.

Dan: I had double vision earlier I got hit.

Firm: Well, that changes everything, you need glasses. That'south why you had double vision, which is why you got hit, which is why you take a concussion, which is why you lot accept night terrors. You lot demand to see an ophthalmologist, which I am not.

Cameron: You enjoyed that. I brought a reasonable case to your attention, and you shoved it in my confront just to humiliate me.

House: You're an simply child, aren't you?

Cameron: Why would you say that?

House: Everything is about y'all. This may seem incredibly controversial, but I think sexual abuse is bad. I just wanted to make certain he wasn't being diddled past daddy, or mommy, annihilation else is just a bonus.

[Knocking sound comes from the reception area; House looks over and sees that Dan'due south leg is spasming.]

Cameron: I'grand not an only child.

House: [attending on Dan] Interesting.

[Firm goes back out to Dan and his parents]

Cameron: What?

House: Don't move. Did I diameter you in in that location?

Dan: What? Ah, no, non, not really.

Firm: Are you tired?

Dan: Sometimes.

Dad: He never sleeps! Of course he'southward tired.

Firm: Correct now, at this moment, are you tired?

Dan: No, no.

House: That twitch in your leg. Did you feel that?

Dan: Didn't hurt.

Dad: His leg twitched. I don't come across what…[interrupted]

House: Information technology's called a myoclonic jerk, it's very mutual when you're falling asleep. Respiration rate falls, and the brain interprets this as the body dying, so it sends a pulse to wake it up.

Dad: And so?

House: So, he's non asleep, he's awake. [Turns to Cameron] Admit him.

[Cutting to House'southward office, Cameron is writing on the white board]

House: I recognize that loopy "Thousand". So, what does the jerk tell united states of america?

Foreman: Nada practiced, the brain's losing control of the torso. Can't guild the optics to focus, regulate sleep patterns or command muscle movements.

Business firm: A movement disorder, or degenerative brain affliction. Either way this child's gonna be picking up his diploma in diapers and a wheelchair.

Chase: Maybe not that bad, could exist an infection.

House: You wish. No fever, no white count. Anyone recall this differential diagnosis might be compromised because we don't have an authentic family history?

Cameron: I took an accurate family history.

Firm: You didn't even take an accurate family. His father's not his father.

Chase: Why would yous say that?

House: thirty% of all dads out at that place don't realize they're raising someone else'due south kid.

Foreman: From what I've read false paternity is more similar 10%.

House: That's what our moms would like usa to believe.

Cameron: Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both exist dead by now, tin can nosotros go on with the differential diagnosis?

House: Fifty bucks says I'yard right.

Foreman: I'll have your money.

House: Hit a nerve? Don't worry, Foreman. I'm certain the guy who tucked you lot in at night was your daddy.

Foreman: Make it $100.

Cameron: What about leukoencephalopathy? In a xvi year old.

Hunt: It doesn't necessarily accept to be that bad. If nosotros exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.

House: Yep, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.

Chase: The night terrors were anecdotal. He could have had a bad dream.

Cameron: No, parents said he was witting during the event and didn't remember anything afterwards. That's a night terror.

Chase: Parents said?

House: That's a proficient point. Before nosotros condemn this kid, maybe we should entertain Dr. Hunt's skepticism. I want a detailed polysomnograph. If he'south having nighttime terrors I want to see them.

[Cut to exterior hospital dark. Cutting into an isolation room, Dan is covered in wires, and other medical stuff.]

[Foreman is typing on a reckoner and monitoring Dan]

[Firm comes into the room with a tray on wheels. Dan sits up and is obviously scared. House tightens the restraints that are on Dan's arms]

Dan: I usually don't movement during nighttime terrors.

Firm: I'm not restraining you for them. EEG revealed abnormalities in your brain acquired by nerve impairment in your toes.

[House starts to depict a line around the base of operations of Dan's big toe]

Dan: [Whimpering] What are y'all doing?

House: Fixing it.

Dan: [Still whimpering] Can I talk to my parents?

House: Oh, they know all about this.

Dan: I'd really like to encounter them. [Whimpering afterwards pause] Please! I'd really like them here.

House: This is gonna hurt, Dan.

[House takes up a big tool that looks like monster wire cutters and starts to cut off Dan'south big toe]

Dan: [Whimpers and then screams] Oh, God!

[Neat crunching and tearing sounds come from Dan's anxiety]

[Cut to the room, and you lot see that it was just a night terror, and that Dan's toes are all still at that place. He is not in restraints, and he's sleeping. See a monitor with weird wavy lines on information technology.]

Chase: That's a night terror.

(Commercials…apathetic…a stupid one nearly batteries on my record. I don't intendance about the encarmine batteries! I want more than Firm!)

Foreman: We did a CT, MRI, CBC, Chem-7 and breast x-ray. All the tests came back normal. In that location's nothing to explain his symptoms.

House: Ok, but let'southward pretend there's something and become from there. Who sees something on this MRI?

Cameron: No lesions, no white matter.

Foreman: No structural abnormalities.

Cameron: No space-occupying tumors.

Firm: He'south 16, so he should have an absolutely pristine encephalon. The smallest thing is abnormal.

Hunt: Meningeal enhancement. My bet is viral meningitis.

Business firm: Excellent, you lot run across what he did at that place? He took a small-scale clue that there's a neurological problem and wasn't afraid to run with it.

Foreman: There'south no evidence of meningitis on that MRI.

House: No, there'southward not, he'southward completely wrong.

Cameron: Then what clue are yous talking nigh?

House: He knew that I saw something on the MRI so he figured at that place must be something there and took a judge. Clever, but as well pathetic.

Chase: So, what did y'all find?

House: Take a close look at the corpus callosum.

Hunt: It looks ok.

Firm: Are we all looking at the same matter? 200 million interhemispheric nervus fibers, the George Washington Span between the left and correct side of the brain. It's subtle.

[Suspension while the ducklings look at the MRI]

Chase: There'southward some bowing, there. An upward curvation.

House: Are you guessing?

Chase: Yes.

Business firm: As well bad, you lot're right.

Foreman: He probably just moved, nobody stays perfectly still for their entire MRI.

Firm: Yeah, he probably got restless and shifted 1 hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position. Something is pushing on it.

Foreman: If in that location'south bowing it could exist a tumor.

House: Do you run across a tumor on this MRI?

Foreman: No, but I don't see whatsoever bowing, either.

Firm: In that location's no tumor, just a blockage causing pressure, causing symptoms. Today

nighttime terrors, tomorrow he's bleeding out of his optics. Become him a radionucleotide cisternogram. I guarantee you lot'll see a blockage.

[Cut to Dan's room solar day, Foreman is placing an extraordinarily large needle in his dorsum. This seems to be causing Dan a lot of pain, and his Dad is property him while he grunts and groans]

Dad: Ok…all correct easy…[Interruption and and then mumbles to Dan, I tin can't make it out]

Foreman: At present, I'm injecting a material that'south tagged with a radioactive isotope. It'southward gonna enter your spine and travel up to your brain. It'll brand you able to remember deep thoughts, at about 100 miles per hour.

Dad: [Whispers] Easy.

[Foreman is checking out the Dad and Dan, trying to prove that the guy really is Dan'south dad. He sees that they both have a strange fleck in their irises.]

Foreman: Their optics aren't the aforementioned colour, but that fleck in the eyes… that'southward maybe a one in ten gamble if they're non related?

Chase: Nah, House isn't gonna pay you based on that.

Foreman: [chuckles] Whatever excuse we can give the folks to justify a Dna test?

Chase: We could tell them he'southward got Huntington'due south. The whole family should be tested or they'll all die.

Foreman: [Chuckles once more]

[Foreman notices House entering the lab where he and Chase are sitting]

Foreman: Hey, there'due south a lot of blockage.

Hunt: I've scheduled him for surgery. They're gonna put a shunt into one of the ventricles to give the cerebrospinal fluid an out.

Foreman: No more than pressure, everything goes back to normal.

House: He'due south lucky to have you as his doctors.

[Business firm walks abroad. Cut to the clinic and Firm is in an examination room with a young mother and her baby.]

Young Female parent: No formula, simply mommy's healthy natural breast milk.

Business firm: Yummy.

Young Female parent: Her whole face just got bloated like this overnight.

House: Mmhmm. No fever, glands normal, missing her vaccination dates.

Young Mother: We're not vaccinating.

[Infant giggles and coos]

Young Mother: [Takes a toy frog and starts to make frog sounds] Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [Giggles]

[Baby smiles and giggles also]

Business firm: Retrieve they don't work?

Young Mother: I think some multinational pharmaceutical company wants me to think they piece of work. Pad their bottom line.

House: Mmmm. May I? [He takes the frog and starts to do the gribbit noise with the baby]

Young Mother: [Whispered] Sure.

House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [The baby laughs] All natural, no dyes. That'south a good concern: all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie near how much they spend on inquiry and evolution. The worst a toy visitor tin be accused of is making a really dull frog.

[Immature Mother laughs and so does House. The babe giggles again]

House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You lot know another really adept business? Teeny tiny babe coffins. You tin become them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy just protect the child for 6 months, which is why these companies recall they can gouge you lot. They think that you lot'll spend whatsoever they enquire to proceed your child alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents similar you decide they'd rather allow their kid die then cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop Actually fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.

Young Mother: Tell me what she has.

House: A common cold.

[Cut to House leaving the clinic when the ducklings all approach.]

Cameron: There's a problem.

House: Complications in surgery?

Foreman: Surgery went fine, he's in recovery, only nosotros took a vial of CSF and tested it.

House: Really?

Foreman: Turns out the bowing wasn't the cause of his problems, information technology was a symptom.

Chase: Oligoclonal bands, and an increment of intrathecal IGG.

House: Which means multiple sclerosis. And the reason it takes three of you to tell me this?

Cameron: Because nosotros're having a disagreement most whether or not information technology is MS.

Hunt: No lesions on the MRI.

Foreman: It's early on; he's had the disease for perchance ii weeks.

Cameron: McDonald criteria requires 6 months to make a definitive diagnosis.

House: Oh, who cares about McPherson? I hear he tortured kittens.

Foreman: McDonald.

House: Oh, McDonald. Wonderful dr., loved kittens.

Foreman: The VEP indicates slowing of the brain.

Cameron: Without the lesions we tin't be certain.

House: Well if it is, it's gone from 0 to 60 in 3 weeks, which would indicate rapidly progressive MS. Non the fun MS with the balloons and the bike rides for cripples in wheelchairs.

Cameron: We should wait until nosotros [interrupted]

Firm: Offset treating him now, he can walk for another couple of years, peradventure alive for some other 5. Intermission information technology to the family. I'1000 going home.

[Cutting to Dan'southward room. Chase is in that location explaining nearly the whole MS thing]

Chase: It'll take months for a definitive diagnosis.

Dan: What'll happen to me?

Chase: MS is an incredibly variable disease, if it is MS, and we're not 100% sure.

Dad: What practice y'all think is gonna happen?
[Intermission]

Chase: At that place are some medications to manage the symptoms, but as the disease progresses the problems volition become more severe: bowel and bladder dysfunction, loss of cognitive role, hurting.

Dan: It's gonna hurt?

Hunt: The brain'due south like a big jumble of wires. MS strips them of the insulation, and the nerves die. The encephalon interprets it as hurting, but past starting handling nosotros're gonna avoid that for as long as possible. We're looking into a couple specialists, and until we get you squared away you'll stay here. Ok?

[It'southward nighttime. A nurse is walking around with trays. The nurse enters Dan'southward room, and he's missing! Cut to Cameron walking over to Foreman.]

Cameron: Security checked the videotapes for all the perimeter cameras; he's yet gotta be in the hospital.

Foreman: Where's Chase?

Cameron: Main floor.

Foreman: Ok, you take the cafeteria and administration. I'll hit the research annex and work my fashion back to y'all.

[Chase is wandering around in a dark office. Cut to Cameron opening doors. Cuts dorsum to Chase notwithstanding looking around the offices. Cut to House'due south apartment. He'due south sitting in a chair heart-searching. There's a Goggle box show on in the background, just I can't tell what it is. The telephone keeps ringing and he pays it no attention except to glance over at the get-go ring. Cut back to Chase, still wandering around.]

Hunt: Dan?

[Cut dorsum to House's flat. Phone is still ringing. He gets up just as his machine comes on. He doesn't make whatsoever attempt to answer the telephone. He uses both arms to sort of lever himself out of what looks like a very comfortable chair.]

House'south answering auto: I'm not here. Leave a message.

[Cut to exterior hospital. House is approaching, and Cuddy is leaving. See Cuddy opening the doors.]

House: Dr. Cuddy, great outfit.

Cuddy: What are you doing back here? Patient?

Business firm: No, hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.

[Firm walks off and Cuddy leaves a piddling pissed off.]

[Cutting to the elevator. Doors open up and Firm steps out. He heads down a hallway, and is intercepted past Foreman.]

Foreman: Dr. House, Dan's missing.

Business firm: Yeah, I got that role from the message. Yous said I was needed immediately.

Foreman: He shouldn't move after a lumbar puncture.

House: I agree, he's gonna take a very nasty headache. That would as well be my stance if consulted tomorrow morning.

Foreman: We wanted to keep y'all informed. He heard some pretty heavy news.

House: [Sighs] This is not a toddler wandering around a section store. He's 16. Yous'll notice him. I'm going home.

Foreman: So, when you say "Phone call me if you lot demand anything," You mean, "Don't phone call me."

House: No, I mean "Call me if I tin can practice something." I'g bad at search parties and I'm bad at sitting effectually looking nervous doing zilch.

Foreman: What about his parents? Should nosotros telephone call them?

House: Why? Yous retrieve they're hiding him? Make certain someone checks the roof; some of the orderlies go along the door propped open and then they can grab a smoke.

[He gets back into the lift, and goes home.]

[Cutting to Foreman and Cameron running up the stairs. Another Cutting puts us on an open field at night. Dan is standing there looking around. All of a sudden Hunt appears.]

Hunt: Dan? You lot ok? [Pause] In that location are experimental treatments, ongoing research… Who knows what they'll find in a year or 2?

Dan: This is where I dropped the brawl.

Chase: Dan, we're standing on the roof of the infirmary! Dan! Dan, y'all're not on the field!

[Cut to come across Foreman and Cameron take arrived.]

Cameron: He doesn't know where he is.

Foreman: Dan!

Chase: Foreman!

[Chase motions that Foreman shouldn't motility but nonetheless.]

Chase: Dan.

Cameron: Dan!

Foreman: Dan! No!

[Dan goes to step off the roof, and Chase tackles him.]

(La te da. Commercials. Evil.)

[Exterior of the infirmary. It's the side by side day.]

[House is standing at the elevator when Foreman comes downward the steps.]

Business firm: Dr. Foreman. I assume you lot found the child.

Foreman: He nearly walked off the roof.

Business firm: Suicidal?

Foreman: No, he thought he was on his lacrosse field. Look, look, I was just gonna run habitation, shower, change…[interrupted]

House: Conscious?

Foreman: Yeah.

House: How'd you talk him down?

Foreman: Actually, Chase tackled him.

Business firm: How come up you didn't do it?

Foreman: Right, well, I am blackness, only he was closer.

Firm: Come on, yous can ride up with me.

[Foreman sighs and so gets into the elevator.]

[Cutting to House'due south part. Cameron and Chase are in that location.]

House: Anybody tell the family unit that their male child nearly stepped off a roof? They must be thrilled.

Cameron: They're not suing, but I think just because Chase asked them.

House: Why does anybody always think I'm being sarcastic? This is neat news! He doesn't have MS. The parents should exist thrilled, well, the mom anyway. Of course, the dad probably doesn't know…[interrupted]

Foreman: Why doesn't he accept MS?

House: He was on the roof thinking he was on the lacrosse field, conscious, and therefore non a night terror. You want some of this? [Asking Foreman virtually the coffee]

Foreman: Yeah, sure.

House: He was in an acute confusional land, which doesn't fit with a demyelinating affliction like MS.

Foreman: The oligoclonal bands.

House. Were real. They just hateful something other and so MS. So, what are they telling us?

Hunt: That the allowed system is working.

House: Right, he has an infection in his brain.

Cameron: What near sexual activity?

Firm: Well, information technology might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, just perhaps you like that.

Cameron: I meant perhaps he has neurosyphilis.

Business firm: Heh, squeamish embrace.

Chase: Lamentable, RPR was negative.

Firm: Nosotros don't need a definitive exam to confirm this.

Cameron: Sure, didn't need ane to confirm MS.

Firm: Ok, let'south wait for you to run titers on 4000 viruses while this kid's encephalon turns to mush.

Foreman: So the fact that he doesn't take MS is, information technology's actually not proficient news subsequently all?

House: Well, information technology is if information technology's neurosyphilis, the likelihood of a imitation negative on an RPR examination, 30%, the likelihood of a sixteen year old having sexual activity, roughly 120%.

Cameron: I'll start him on IV penicillin.

House: Nosotros're not going to look for that. The well-nigh effective way to deliver the drug is right into his brain via the spine.

Foreman: We tin can't. In a cramped space similar the brain, increased intracranial force per unit area from a high-book drug like penicillin could herniate his encephalon stem and kill him. No neurologist in his correct mind would recommend that.

House: Testify of easily. Who thinks I'm not in my correct listen?

[No 1 raises their manus]

Firm: And who thinks I forget this adequately basic neurological fact?

[Again, no i raises their hand]

House: Who thinks there's a 3rd choice?

[Chase raises his manus]

Firm: Very good, what's the third option?

Hunt: No thought, you merely asked if I thought there was i.

Foreman: [Sighs] The patient has a shunt in his brain. There'll be no increased pressure, we can put as much penicillin into his body equally we desire.

House: Fantabulous, inject him through a lumbar puncture.

[Cut to Dan's room, Foreman is there and Dan's dad is there too]

Foeman: Ane of u.s.a. is going to do this to you twice a mean solar day for the adjacent two weeks.

Dan:[Sighs]

Dad: He could become syphilis fifty-fifty if he's non sexually active?

[Dan looks at Foreman with sort of a pleading look on his face.]

Foreman: Well, it'due south unusual, merely it's possible. Relax.

Dan: [Sighs again, and then grunts in pain]

[Cutting to an exam room. In that location'south a guy with a really nasty pussy abscess on his human knee. House backs off after he sees it.]

House: Geesh. It's infected, with a really big hole like you stuck a nail in information technology to relieve the pressure.

Mr. Funsten: I wouldn't practice that.

House: Although the wound is irregular, not cylindrical, it's shaped similar a triangle, and then not a nail. Steak knife?

Funsten: Wife's nail file.

House: [Whispered] Nail File. Yeah, pain'll make y'all practice stupid things. Something to accept the edge off? [Takes out his pills and puts one in his hand]

Funsten: Yeah.

Business firm: Thank you. [Dry out swallows the pill and Funsten eats his (ewwwww)] [Limps back

over and sits on a rolly stool] And so, do you take family here in Princeton?

Funsten: No.

Business firm: Here on piece of work?

Funsten: No, why are you [interrupted]

House: Does your penis injure?

Funsten: No. What? Should it?

House: No, just thought I'd toss y'all a really inappropriate question. Your lawyer'southward gonna love it.

Funsten: Why would I desire to sue yous? I want you to treat me.

House: You're from Maplewood, New Bailiwick of jersey. Right?

Funsten: Aye.

House: Now, why would you drive 70 miles to get treatment for a condition that a 9 year sometime could diagnose? Information technology's the gratuitous-flowing pus that'due south the tip-off.

Funsten: I was in town.

Business firm: Non for family, not for work. You collection 70 miles to a walk-in-clinic. You passed two hospitals on the route. At present, either y'all have a trouble with those hospitals, or they accept a problem with y'all. My guess is that you've sued half the doctors in Maplewood, and the residue are now refusing to treat y'all. Information technology'southward ironic, isn't it? Information technology's like the male child who sued wolf. You know what? I bet we have a doctor here named Wolfe. How perfect would that exist? I'k gonna page him.

Funsten: Ok, you know what? Thank you, I'thousand gonna notice a doctor to accept care of this.

House: I didn't say I wouldn't treat y'all. Nosotros'll drain your genu, run some lab work, ready you right upwards.

Funsten: Why would you lot practise that?

Firm: I'chiliad a people person.

[Cut to elevator. See House and Wilson exiting.]

Wilson: You actually treated him?

House: All I know is that he sued some doctors, who am I to assume that they didn't have it coming to them. [Stops when he sees Cuddy coming] The cutest little tennis outfit, my God I idea I was going to take a heart set on.[Acts similar he only realized that Cuddy was in that location.] Oh my, I didn't see you there, that is so embarrassing.

Cuddy: How'south your hooker doing?

House: Oh, sweet of yous to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, simply hated having to spiral people like that.

Cuddy: I heard you institute her on the roof.

House: You take very acute hearing.

Cuddy: You notify the parents?

House: In due class, of course.

Cuddy: And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient?

House: Doesn't audio like me.

Wilson: Well, it does actually, just that doesn't mean you lot're guilty.

House: You lot call back?

Cuddy: I saw the parents in the foyer, smart money is obviously on the begetter.

House: [Phase whisper] My guy knows a guy who can get you in for $l bucks.

Cuddy: Fine. Y'all tell your guy if I win, you attend the faculty symposium and you lot wear a tie.

House: And if I win, no clinic hours for a week.

Cuddy: My guy will call your guy.

[Cuddy walks off]

Wilson: She's very good at her job.

[Cutting back to Dan's room. Chase is giving him his handling. Cameron is at his head.]

Chase: The treatments should get-go helping shortly. Allow us know if information technology gets easier to focus on things, call back stuff.

[Dan is plain in pain.]

Hunt: Hey Dan, isn't Dr. Cameron's necklace a beauty? Something Due south American, I recall.

Cameron: Yes, Guatemalan.

Dan: It'south a cool necklace.

[She looks down and sees that information technology'southward in a very revealing spot.]

Cameron: Thank you so much.

Chase: The kid's in hurting.

Cameron: [Scoffs]

Male person Voice ane: Don't fight it.

Male Voice 2: Just permit it happen.

Dan: No.

Chase: No, what?

Female Voice 1: You'll be dead in 3 days.

Female Vocalism two: I requite it a day.

Hunt: Dan? Y'all ok?

Cameron: Dan?

[Dan starts shaking]

Cameron: He's hearing voices.

[Equally this is going on the voices taunt Dan with sayings. They are all telling him that he's gonna dice.]

Chase: [deadened] Dan? [Regular] Push button three milligrams Four, stat!

Cameron: Come on Dan!

Dan: [screaming] Get OUT OF MY Caput!

(Commercials)

Cameron: Auditory hallucination shows further encephalon degeneration.

Chase: Penicillin'southward not working.

Firm: And so, either it'southward a bad batch of penicillin, or our diagnosis is wrong. Foursquare one. "Mignight."

[Firm writes M,I,D,N,I,T on the white board]

Foreman: LFTs, BUN, and creatinine, are all normal, diabetes is out. No gap.

Firm: At that place goes metabolic. [Crosses off "M"]

Cameron: MRI rules out vasculitis.

Firm: "I" for inflammation. [Crosses out the "I"]

Chase: Too immature for anything degenerative.

House: "D", see ya. [Crosses out the "D"] "N" for neoplastic?

Chase: MRI was clean.

[Firm crosses out the "due north"]

House: "I" for inflammation.

Cameron: We already did that.

Firm: Stupid to take two I's in one mneumonic. What'due south the other one?

Foreman: Infection.

Cameron: Oligoclonal bands still take to mean something.

Foreman: Just no fevers; white count'southward elevated simply within range.

Chase: And we've tested for anything remotely possible. Everything is negative.

[Business firm crosses out the other "I"]

Cameron: CT scan rules out subdural.

House: Trauma, subsequently much. [Looks at the board which is now all crossed out.] You lot know the problem? Midnight is really spelled with a "G" and an "H," If we could only figure out what those ii letters stand for. [Sighs and walks away for the board. His back is now facing the ducklings] Information technology's a sick brain, having fun, torturing him, talking to him. [break] Scaring the hell out of him. Get him an EEG, left and right EOG esophageal microphones. If this thing wants to talk, permit's listen.

[Cut to exterior twenty-four hours. Nearly continued from the concluding scene. House is sitting with Wilson.]

House: Nosotros're missing something. This is screwed up.

Wilson: That's why you came up with the brain talking to the virus thing?

Business firm: I panicked, ok? Sounded cool though, they bought information technology.

[Business firm sees Dan's parents walking his way.]

House: Oh, crap. Some other reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like they tin't yell at you. [Aside to Wilson] Here nosotros go.

Mom: How can yous just sit at that place?

House: If I consume standing up, I spill.

Dad: Our son is dying, and you could care less? Nosotros're going through hell; you lot're doing zero?

House: I'thousand deplorable, y'all need to vent, I understand.

Dad: Don't exist cavalier. You haven't checked in on him in one case.

Firm: Claret pressure's 110/seventy, the shunt is patent well placed in the right lateral ventricle, the EKG shows a normal QRS with deep wave inversions throughout both limb and pericardial leads. LFTs are elevated only only twice the normal range. Oh yes, and he's hearing voices. [Intermission] Go hold his hand. Keep; I'll charabanc your tray.

[They walk off property easily]

House: Got whatsoever sample bags on you?

Wilson: I don't believe y'all. You're gonna run Dna tests?

House: Their son is deathly ill, I know information technology'south terrible, but the fact is if I don't go on decorated with trivial things like this I'one thousand afraid I might start to cry.

Wilson: You're an ass.

House: Yep? You desire to double the bet?

[Cutting to Cameron and Foreman in a lab. House enters.]

House: General Hospital is on channel 6.

Foreman: Dan'due south brain'southward non showing channel 6 right now, only mush.

House: No epileptiform activity. [Turns to Cameron] What are yous doing?

Cameron: Waiting for CBC and Chem-seven.

House: Skillful, run Deoxyribonucleic acid on these. [He puts down two cups that are labeled "Mommy" and "Daddy???"]

Cameron: What'southward this?

Business firm: Parents' coffee cups.

Cameron: I tin't believe you [interrupted]

House: I've had this conversation once already. If you've got something else to do, practise information technology. Otherwise, do this.

[Cut to Firm in hallway.]

Funsten: Dr. House?

House: Hey, Mr. Funsten! I was wondering when you'd exist back. Got some papers for me?

Funsten: You've caused me considerable mental distress.

House: I certainly promise so. [Funsten hands him an envelope] What? Besides inexpensive to have your lawyer serve it for yous, or is it more fun this mode?

Funsten: I'm obviously prepared to consider a settlement.

House: You have gonorrhea.

Funsten: No, I don't!

Firm: Well, maybe you lot're correct, but I have a lab upshot that says you lot do. It could be a false positive; normally I'd run a second test, but since you're here I'll just become with the first.

Funsten: Yous're only trying to scare me.

House: It's reportable you know, public health effect.

Funsten: I'll exist sure to permit my wife know.

Business firm: Oh, don't bother yourself, the state will call for you lot. Expect, if yous're clean I'm sure this will all blow over, no big deal. There'south an easy manner to observe out, get ane of your doctors to run a exam.

[Funsten grabs for the papers, but House snatches them away.]

House: Uh-uh. These are mine now. I'll see you in court. [Firm enters the elevator.]

[Cut to Hunt, Foreman, and Cameron in a lab.]

Foreman: Westward Nile negative, not surprising, since not likewise many mosquitoes passing through Jersey in December.

Chase: No Eastern Equine Encephalitis.

Cameron: You guys aren't going to believe this.

Chase: What'due south that?

Cameron: House was right, the father's not the father.

Foreman: [Sighs] Dude doubled upwards on me.

Hunt: You're non gonna believe this, the mother's non the mother either.

[Cut to Cuddy's office. Dan's parents are at that place.]

Cuddy: Information technology's not a good idea to movement your son in his condition.

Mom: Nosotros merely desire a second stance.

Dad: We need an reply.

[House comes into the function.]

House: You idiots! You lied to me!

Dad: We didn't lie about anything. You, on the other hand, accused us of molesting our son.

Cuddy: Perfect.

Firm: Tin can we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs is bigger. You're not Dan's parents.

Mom: Nosotros're his parents.

Dad: He was adopted. He doesn't demand to know.

House: I do.

Dad: Adoption makes him just equally much his [interrupted]

House: Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused? Did you think we were looking for a genetic inkling to his condition, or did you lot call back we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole wide earth?

Cuddy: How did you lot find out virtually this?

House: I sampled their DNA.

Dad: We didn't give you lot any DNA.

Firm: Your coffee cups from the deli.

Cuddy: You tin can't do that!

Business firm: Again, why are we getting hung up on what I did? [Turns to Dan'southward parents] Your medical history is useless.

Dad: No, we gave you lot a detailed history of his biological female parent.

Mom: Her history; non-smoker, good health, low cholesterol, no blood pressure issues.

Dad: Dan was adopted ii weeks after he was built-in. You have his history. There's null y'all demand to know that we didn't tell y'all.

Cuddy: Sounds reasonable. Well, if you want to transfer your male child that is your choice, just I nevertheless think information technology'southward the incorrect [interrupted]

House: Was she vaccinated? [Pause] The biological mother, when she was a baby, did she get her vaccinations?

Dad: Dan was vaccinated at six months.

Firm: Mm hmm, and practice you know why kids get vaccinated at 6 months? Considering earlier that, they are protected by their biological mother's immune system. Then, was she vaccinated?

[Cut to a scene with a absurd looking round thing with dark-green prongs (information technology's the measles virus) and information technology overlaps the speech that House makes. It travels around and then there is a cut inside of it and you can see a double helix of DNA breaking or "unzipping".]

House: An babe picks up a regular former measles virus. He gets a rash, he'south extremely uncomfortable, has a wicked fever, only he lives. Here's the kicker, once every million or so times, the virus mutates. [Cutting to Business firm's part. House and the ducklings are there] Instead of Dan having a fever and a rash the virus travels to his brain and hides like a fourth dimension flop. In this case for sixteen years.

Foreman: Sub-acute Sclerosing Pan-encephalitis.

House: I know. In that location's but been xx cases in the United States in the past 30 years.

Foreman: I suppose you could brand an argument that the child's still in stage one. One time SSPE moves to phase two [Interrupted]

House: Nail, phase two is universally fatal.

Cameron: I assume information technology's incommunicable to tell when he might move into stage two.

House: He'south already started showing symptoms. Information technology could be a month, it could exist tonight.

Cameron: Can we treat it?

House: Ask the neurologist.

Foreman: Intraventricular interferon.

Chase: We're not gonna shove a spike into his brain and drip interferon without confirming this diagnosis.

House: Tap him.

Foreman: Nosotros won't get a reliable result for measles antibodies in his CSF, non after everything we've given him.

House: Then the wrong treatment kills any promise of the right diagnosis. Why do people lie to me? [Pauses and sighs] It could also impale him. Your brawl, Foreman, tell me I don't have to biopsy his encephalon.

Foreman: [Sighs] Well, there is one other way.

[Cut to a room and in that location is Dan with a HUGE needle pointing at his right eye.]

Dan: Yous sure this isn't gonna hurt?

Foreman: Yes, it'southward but scary as hell. Run across, we go through the educatee. You won't feel it; the eye'south been paralyzed. The needle travels to the back of the middle which is where we perform the biopsy on your retina.

[Cutting to the needle entering Dan'due south centre with a really absurd sound. You can encounter the measles

virus from the previous cutting scene sitting at that place and then getting sucked up.]

Foreman: Then we've confirmed that the problem is this mutated virus. The treatment for SSPE is intra-ventricular interferon. We implant an Ommaya reservoir under the scalp, which is continued to a ventricular catheter that delivers the antiviral directly to the left hemisphere [interrupted]

Dad: Look, you want usa to consent to this? I don't even understand what you're talking about.

Foreman: Well, the antiviral…[pauses] Look, I'chiliad pitiful, I tin explicate this as best I can, only the notion that you're gonna fully sympathize your son's handling and make an informed decision, is, it's kinda insane. Now, here'due south what you need to know, information technology'south dangerous, information technology could kill him, y'all should do it.

[Cut to operating room. Dan is awake on the table, nosotros tin see a doctor with a drill standing backside him. Cameron and Foreman are there, I'm not sure about Chase. Cut to a screen side by side to the operating tabular array and you tin come across the drill brand a hole in Dan'due south skull.]

[Cut to Cuddy'south role]

Cuddy: Y'all can't order a $3,200 Dna exam to win a bet.

Firm: Information technology's not an bodily toll. I don't know if y'all know this, only the hospital actually owns the sequencing automobile.

Cuddy: I'yard serious.

Business firm: Well, tell the parents to submit the neb to insurance.

Cuddy: Insurance is not going to pay for a bet.

Firm: It should. If we don't brand that bet, the kid dies. If non for the paternity bet, I never would take taken their DNA, without their DNA nosotros never would have discovered that Dan was adopted, which was the fundamental to this case. You just don't want to pay your end. Large mistake. My guy knows a guy.

Cuddy: Fine. I will let you lot out of dispensary duty for i calendar week, after yous pay the $3,200 for the PCR exam.

[House sighs and picks upwards his cane. He limps over to her desk, and slams his cane downwardly.]

Cuddy: Whoo.

House: Well now, there's the $100 you owe me, there'south the $100 I won from Cameron, $200 I took off of Foreman, and $600 I got from Wilson. Very bitter.

[Cut to Dan'south room. Foreman is at that place and and then is Cameron. I'm guessing it's the next mean solar day. Dan wakes up.]

Cameron: Hey, practiced forenoon.

Foreman: Skillful news on your EEG, treatment is working.

Cameron: And your immune organisation is responding.

Foreman: I know information technology'due south early, but let me accept a await. Allow's run across what that brain of yours tin can do. Name as many animals as you tin that start with the letter "O".

Dan: Ostrich, ox, old elephant.

Cameron: Well, that'southward 2 meliorate than last fourth dimension. How yous doing with the whole adoption thing?

Dan: I knew since fifth class.

Foreman: How'due south that?

Dan: Cleft chin. I have one, my dad doesn't. I looked information technology upward on the Internet; it'southward one of those trait things.

Forman: That's correct, information technology's autosomal dominant. Since neither of your parents have cleft chins, it's highly unlikely that yous're biologically related.

Cameron: You sure y'all're ok?

Dan: I've got no problems with being adopted. I love my parents.

[Dan's parents enter.]

Dad: How's he doing?

Cameron: He'due south doing pretty well. He's a smart kid. I think he's gonna be fine.

[A song starts playing in the groundwork. I'm not going to include the lyrics unless I get some requests for them. Deplorable.]

Dad: Thanks.

[Cut to a lacrosse game on a field. House is continuing on the sidelines.]

House: Wheels, 1-eight! Wheels!

[18 makes a goal. House'southward hand moves with the player's movement, and House gives a small smile. The team all gathers around and thank you together. House picks up his cane and holds it similar a lacrosse stick. Cut around House and meet that there'south no ane in that location. He limps out onto the field. ]

THE Finish!

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